One poorly informed criticism of Montessori is that it lets children do whatever they want. This is not only a nonsensical reading of Maria Montessori’s education philosophy, it is also a surefire way to crush children and leave them with a deflated sense of self for life. That deflated person is the antithesis of the goal of what we do as Montessori educators. But raising free, satisfied, and admirable adults requires action and that includes that we as parents impose boundaries on our child. There is more than one type of boundary of course and today we are going to examine why each is important.
Having few or no boundaries with regard to property and space is soul crushing from minute one. Children who are allowed to run amok and do what they want are set up to fail socially and emotionally. A child who cannot learn their place within the social structure tends to become either a dictator or an outcast, even at the earliest ages. An inability to share and to recognize the personal property of others as well as an exhibition of behaviors that fail to recognize the equal importance of others place children on the fringes of the group at best and make it impossible for them to form meaningful peer relationships at worst. Those who try to compensate for this shortcoming can become narcissistic, focusing their view of their own actions only on how it effects them personally and not on the consequences for others.
The antidote is to allow children to play freely and work through the nuances of the social structures they live in while ensuring that you reinforce with them when you are present that:
– personal property requires permission from the owner to use. This is true whether it is an item in the store that has yet to be purchased or a friend’s toy that they have not been given permission to touch yet.
– other people are just as important as they are and deserve their respect. This means treating them as they wish to be treated and being willing to compromise to coexist peacefully.
Similarly, a child who has no boundaries with regard to what they can explore is going to experience a deflated sense of self. Rather than stemming from social stigma, this loss of self-respect stems from the repeated frustration of failure that is bound to occur when life is a steady stream of problems too complex for them to solve without help. This creates a dependency on others for the fulfillment of basic needs. This is completely anathema to the focus at Greystone House on self-reliance and mentoring. Ultimately, nobody likes to feel like they will fail at what they try, but when the opportunity to earn that feeling is presented it is almost an inevitability.
The antidote here is more complex, but worth investing in. The blast of EARNED self-esteem that comes with mastering tasks on their own is worth rethinking how you do things at home.
– At home, as it is at school, ensure that your child has age appropriate toys. Toys that are “too old” or “too complex” will inevitably cause them to fail. While failing and continuing to try is something we emphasize, we are able to do so because we are ensuring that the children have tasks at which they can succeed. These pieces of work are just far enough outside of the zone of their current abilities to ensure they can complete the activity, but not so far that they will give up and feel like they are dumb.
– Ensure that you limit the toys available to your child. We are big on well-organized work shelves with appealing work at eye level. But we also make sure there isn’t too much of it. Too many choices means that children are not likely to sit down and complete the task of mastering the education the toy has to offer. Instead they grab and begin and then go back and grab more (without putting up their current work) until they have a mess in front of them they can’t see how to clean up and they have completed and learned exactly nothing.
A child with no boundaries with regard to media will face a life of delayed adulthood, if it ever happens at all. Exposing young children to sex and violence at an early age is often times excused with phrases such as “they are too young to understand”. That is exactly true, but it is not a positive. Children will try to make sense of what they are seeing and may gain a level of comfort with it that is not healthy. It means that they will also need to recontextualize all of it as they gain more experience in the world. While this is true of many things – positive and negative – sometimes that recontextualization doesn’t happen which leaves “adults” with views and practices with regard to sex and violence that can harm themselves and others. (Note that we are super-sciency – uber nerds if we are telling the truth – and we know that the research on this is complex. If you are a Greystone House parent and are interested in a more in depth explanation of our views feel free to ask.)
The antidote here is more than the obvious.
– Yes – you can and should limit what your child sees to age appropriate material. This is difficult with friends that may not have boundaries and even with older siblings that may have a different level of permission for what they can view. Our youngest and oldest are 13 years apart and we know it is tough, but it can be done.
– Help your child understand that how they see things today can and will change as they get older and gain more experience and that this is something to be embraced and looked forward to. Rather than “just wait until you grow up – you’ll see” or “when I was your age”, the message is one that you too are growing continuously and it is one of the best parts of life. Ensure they know the view they have today may become more nuanced and mature tomorrow and that is okay.
– The secondary message to what is written above is that it is their life (which is true even when they are born) and having that humility to admit that they will always be working with a limited view of things can protect them from damaging actions. There are things our own children choose not to do not because we told them not to, but because they know their limitations while valuing their own lives enough to not want to risk or harm themselves needlessly.
We want every child to succeed. We want them to experience the sense of earned pride that comes with successfully completing challenges including building relationships, tackling educational challenges, and making value driven choices that lead to better outcomes in their lives. As a parent, it is never going to go perfectly from your perspective or theirs. They will fail at tasks, they will run into social issues, and they will make bad choices that hand them difficult consequences. But consider what we have written as a way to minimize those negative outcomes as well as to arm your children with the long-term tools that let them adapt as life’s challenges arise.
