{"id":5288,"date":"2022-06-10T13:19:00","date_gmt":"2022-06-10T18:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.greystonehouse.com\/?p=5288"},"modified":"2022-06-13T11:37:46","modified_gmt":"2022-06-13T16:37:46","slug":"the-social-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.greystonehouse.com\/index.php\/the-social-child\/","title":{"rendered":"The Social Child"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Ms. Christina highlighted a LinkedIn post this week that caught my eye in light of recent US events. The post was from Paula Lillard Preschlack and it focused on the capabilities we don\u2019t enable our children with. The post starts off by saying:<\/p>

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\u201cIf you think a 3 year old can\u2019t bake, the problem isn\u2019t the child. It\u2019s that adults don\u2019t give little children what they need. So 3 year olds can\u2019t bake, 7 year olds can\u2019t make dinner once a week for their family, 13 year olds can\u2019t make a plane reservation and 18 year olds can\u2019t schedule their own doctor appointment\u201d.<\/p>

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Her conclusion is a question we have seen the answer to first hand (and we love it). \u201cIf you can make biscuits when you\u2019re 3, what can you do when you\u2019re 30?\u201d.<\/p>

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We would encourage reading the rest of the post, but our focus in this blog is on something the article didn\u2019t call out. That is that a child needs opportunities to work through social problems, not just the challenges that practical life tasks bring.<\/p>

As a parent you may ask, \u201cHow do I help my child with social skills?\u201d. \u00a0Much like baking, using the phone to set an appointment, sweeping a floor, or getting dressed every day, maneuvering the minefield of complex social structures takes practice. Getting the social practice in requires the same thing as practical life \u2013 opportunities to try. And fail. And then try again. It is tempting as a parent to want to shield our child from the challenges and pain that social life brings. In doing so, you are robbing them of some of the most valuable gifts they can ever receive. Rather than being a shield, we recommend a very different tact.<\/p>

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\n\t\t\t\tIt is tempting as a parent to want to shield our child from the \nchallenges and pain that social life brings. In doing so, you are \nrobbing them of some of the most valuable gifts they can ever receive.
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Be a supporter<\/h3>\n

When a child encounters conflict with another child, don\u2019t immediately jump in and resolve it. Give the children space to work through the issue and, if physical safety demands, provide guidance through questions. Questions such as \u201cIs what Sally is doing hurting you, or are you choosing to feel hurt\u201d and \u201cIf you were in Billy\u2019s place, would you want to be talked to how you are talking to him\u201d provide both diffusion and a sense of encouragement to look at the situation differently than their emotions are guiding them to do at the moment. Whether the conflict resolves itself with or without your guidance (they almost always resolve themselves without intervention), encourage your child to reflect and learn from what happened.<\/p>\n

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Be an instigator<\/h3>\n

We don\u2019t mean you should create situations that cause social unrest. When we say instigate, we mean take the opportunity to work with your child on envisioning how to deal with challenges before they occur. Much as previsualization can help adults think through options, children can benefit from the empowerment that comes from knowing they have options and tools to use in a conflict situation. This is a big part of how we approach following up with children when a conflict has occurred during free play time. Helping a child understand that nobody can make you \u201cfeel\u201d a certain way and that by practicing using their tools they can avoid a lot of unhappiness is priceless. Ultimately a person who develops strong social tools through practice is in charge of how they respond when a conflict arises.<\/p>\n

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Be the source of truth<\/h3>\n

Helping children decipher what is actual conflict is key to how they understand when to react. Attacking others for believing different things or making different choices is a problem with the attacker, not with the one being attacked. At the age levels we work with, these sorts of conflicts almost always stem from parental attitudes that children have picked up on. Whether openly taking offense to being told happy holidays at a time of year when there are more than a dozen holidays for people to celebrate or shouting down a speaker in an auditorium for simply expressing a point of view that you differ on \u2013 there are plenty of signs that there are adults among us who never learned to correctly identify what constitutes a genuine and meaningful conflict (one that poses the risk of causing actual harm, or to paraphrase, someone\u2019s fist is now on the tip of your nose). Our tact at school is best paraphrased as \u201cyou be you and let them be them\u201d when these sorts of non-conflicts happen, but we honestly recommend and prefer what our own parents taught us. Be tolerant of others if you want them to be tolerant of you. George Washington was a master of this and two and a half centuries later historians are still trying to get a clear picture of his religious and social beliefs. Seems like a good way to be remembered fondly (while also living peacefully).<\/p>\n

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Be a facilitator<\/h3>\n

Give your child the freedom to engage in an unstructured social environment. Structured activities are okay in some ways, but ultimately they are adult guided and offer no time for real peer-to-peer social engagement.  If your kids are at Greystone House they are getting a lot of free play, but we promise once they hit public school that will end. Unstructured play is where practice using the skills that are required to be a friend, a partner, a community member, and ultimately an adult, happen. One of the best parts of being in The Woodlands is many families don\u2019t have concerns about high traffic roads in their neighborhood. Even a child of five can safely walk by themselves to a nearby friend\u2019s house to play in the back yard. Just like with baking, they can learn the path, rules, and skills needed to get it done on their own. Send them on their way.<\/p>

Why It Matters<\/h3>

A child who cannot work within complex social structures is not on a good path. Whether they end up feeling unempowered and seeing themselves as a victim or they choose to look to others to fight their battles for them, the result is the same. Socially, they will remain a child. Personally, happiness is hard to find when you can’t find your place in the world. As with all character traits we want our children to develop, they need help and practice. It starts early. You matter a lot Mom and Dad.
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